


How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Nuclear Maid

by chaichan



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: BDG x Kirby, F/F, Robot Maid Brain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28141671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaichan/pseuds/chaichan
Summary: When an omniscient god meets an inscrutable being outside of her comprehension, something in her snaps. And something snaps in the inscrutable being. The things that snap are their denial of being useless sapphics.A romantic comedy of lesbians, electronic dreams and maybe a little bit of love.
Relationships: Ruukoto/Okina Matara
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Nuclear Maid

Periodically, the Hakurei shrine maiden - Reimu, for anyone who forgot - comes up with a get-rich-quick scheme, to somehow solve her financial issues. Periodically, excitement builds up in her, and soon the scheme succeeds. Also periodically, that excitement runs out soon and everything goes back to how it's always been.

As luck would have it, however, from time to time, a scheme of hers lasts just a bit longer, with just a bit less preparation needed. And that kind of scheme brings about some permanent change to Gensokyo's community - be it positive or negative. 

Thus, as the green-haired robot maid pranced around the front of the shrine, greeting all the humans and youkai excited about this oddity, Reimu felt very proud of her own boundless horizons of genius. Just for a few moments.

But she really  _ was  _ an oddity. Prancing around everywhere with a genuine smile, seeming to not have a single shred of ill will - unheard of, to be honest - and taking every single weird youkai and their weird abilities they're trying to show off in stride. And yet, she came from… somewhere. Whatever the  _ hell  _ that incident with Yumemi was.

But well, everyone's a bit odd in Gensokyo, so really, Ruukoto fit right in.

And her fitting in really showed - Marisa was after all following her everywhere around the courtyard, trying to get a reaction via joke-flirting, which is something that happens only if you're truly accepted as one of the pack.

"So you've got a nuclear reactor in you? Sounds like you're pretty hot", rang out one of Marisa's lines, causing every atom around to groan in pain, especially the ones in Reimu, who was closely observing the situation.

Ruukoto responded in a manner perfectly natural to her, of course. "Oh no, don't worry Miss Marisa. My PFFR-17-378 internal power plant model is fully cooled using the newest antimatter-powered technology, in the form of the CRISPX-13 model produced by the IceXTCo™ company, which — " 

"Alright, alright, stop, I lost you around the time you said the letter G." Marisa pinched the bridge of her nose. This was the seventeenth failed attempt at any reaction. "I don't know, do you like, have any cool rockets or something?"

Ruukoto bowed, for some reason. "No, my apologies Miss Marisa. I do not come equipped with explosive weapons. I do, however, have other self-defense modules, in case that is what interests you?"

Marisa smirked. Maybe this setup would work. "So you've got some dangerous tools, huh? Wouldn't mind if you used a few on me, if you know what I mean. Wink wink." She said the winks out loud, just in case.

"Uhm, I'm sorry, but I think I would mind. My protocols prevent me from using those tools on a person designated as a 'Friend', unless genuinely at threat of damage otherwise. And for what short time I have been active in my duties here, I would like to believe you aren't one to cause harm to those you've repeatedly called 'cute'."

At this, Marisa groaned in frustration, stomped her feet, and proceeded to walk away in the opposite direction.

Ruukoto showed a panicked expression for once. "Uhm, I'm sorry if I have upset you Miss Marisa! I do not mind being called cute, if that is the issue! And I do think you're fairly cute yourself!"

Marisa just responded by pulling her hat down over her face, and walking away faster.

The robot maid looked over to Reimu in a frenzy, who had been watching the scene with an increasingly bemused smile. "Uhm, was I rude?"

"No, no, don't worry." She stifled an outburst of laughter. "In fact, I'd say you were  _ particularly _ well-mannered."

"Oh, I see, thank you." She looked back to Marisa, and shouted out. "Goodbye Miss Marisa, I'll see you some other time you feel like telling me compliments!"

To this, Reimu finally burst out laughing.

"Ah! What's the matter, Miss Reimu?!"

Reimu just laughed more. "No, you - pff - it's - ahaha - it's okay, you just — " But alas, she could not stop to explain.

"If… you say so?"

Finally, after a few moments and another few concerned stares from Ruukoto, Reimu stopped laughing. "Hee… So, say, how would you feel about a welcome party for you?"

"Oh, uhm! I'd be greatly flattered. I have already met a few people, though I see the appeal in something more 'official'. That is, if this is no strain on your budget, Miss Reimu."

Reimu stood up, and gave Ruukoto a few pats on the back. "Don't worry, the party budget is an entirely separate one. Often crowd-funded, too."

"Ah, then, I will help out with the preparations. I insist, too, do not attempt to stop me like the previous times."

The shrine maiden rolled her eyes, knowing this was going to take longer than usual, but, well. There's no rush today.

* * *

Cheers, screams of drunken joy, and various other noises one could or could not expect from a party reverberated later that day all around the shrine. Bottle after bottle of sake, wine from the vampires and nondescript liquids from Marisa's stash poured, and all everyone's alcohol-addled minds could think was:

"How the fuck is Ruukoto winning a drinking contest with Suika?"

All gathered could only manage to vaguely stare in the direction of the two as bottle after bottle was emptied, and yet Suika was looking like she might actually fall unconscious for once. And all because  _ someone _ (Yukari) brought out industrial-grade ethanol as an 'interesting little challenge' for the two competitors. 

"LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO!", shouted Marisa, as Ruukoto painlessly downed the forest witch's 'Potion of Death'.

On the other side, Suika stared at the terrifying bottle filled with a magithanol-based experiment. As she contemplated what in her life led her to this point - with a smile on her face, as it's a good kind of contemplation - the potion emitted tiny clouds of toxic fumes. Excited by this development, she quickly put the end of the bottle to her mouth, drank it all and said "I feel fine."

That was a joke. She didn't. She passed out. Suika Ibuki, the world's record drinker, lost a competition.

The crowd hooted, hollered and just generally lost it in all kinds of ways, with loud, scratchy, falsetto shouts coming mostly from Marisa. Reimu, also drunk out of her mind, approached Ruukoto and gave her a few very hearty pats on the back.

"Not baaaaaad, not baad you maid, robot, maid you! I knew you had a bunch of talents up your sleeve!" she said, waving a sake bottle around idly.

Ruukoto responded with a fairly hearty, though intensely sober-sounding laugh. "I'm doing my best ma'am! I've been built to excel over other models, after all."

"Huh, other models? What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, well, you see, uh. I'm sorry, I… can't divulge any corporate technology secrets."

"What do you mean by THAT?!"

"You see, that means, I — "

"Yes what  _ do  _ you mean by that, Ruukoto? Care to elaborate on the number of oddities you've failed to explain?", spoke up an intimidating voice from further away. Okina Matara, Gensokyo's powerful secret god.

Ruukoto turned to the goddess, momentarily pausing before speaking up. "I'm, well, I'm trying to… I'm sorry Miss… Okina, but I don't know how to explain a lot of these things. Or can't." 

Her response was a pair of narrowed eyes, and complete silence from the crowd as tension seemed to rise. "Now how do you know my name?"

"Well, I've heard it used to refer to you by the other party-goers. I thought, uhm, that it'd be polite to use it.I'd rather be respectful to you. I deeply apologise if it didn't come across as such, Miss Okina. Sorry."

The pair of eyes narrowed even more. "Ruukoto. I just arrived at this party. And I have not once come to any of the parties here before. I  _ have  _ however been observing you for a good few days, and I still require explanations."

"I, well. Uh. Uhm. I'm really just a maid." Ruukoto stumbled backwards, looking nervously around. It was a sort of cute look for her to have.

In response, Okina moved forward. "Please explain to me, Ruukoto, how is it that despite your arm being ripped off in an accident two hours — "

"Look I SAID I'm sorry!" The silence of the crowd was broken by an exasperated Nitori.

"...ago, and yet you're here, with it attached, as if nothing happened, with nobody around remembering it even  _ did  _ happen."

"M-My model comes with an automatic repair function. As a free deal." Ruukoto kept moving backwards. "I'm sorry, I'd explain better, but I do not respond well to intimidation."

"I don't think I'm being that intimidating. I'm simply asking questions that I do not have answers for." Okina stopped to shoot the robot maid a soft smile. "This is just curiosity, about a girl that seems to be an oddity even in a land of oddities."

"I'd be inclined to believe you, Miss Okina, but I get nervous in crowds."

"Then would you prefer to go somewhere private?"

"There's… many ways I feel about the answer to that question, and — "

"Wait. Are they, ARE THEY GAY?!" shouted out Tenshi, turning to her girlfriend Shion. "Oh my GOD babe, they're GAY."

The crowd broke its silence in an uproar of laughter at that line, and soon the tension emanating from the argument broke.

Of course, Okina had to turn around and rebuke the devious claim. "Aren't we all, Tenshi?" 

The crowd erupted even more, and everyone returned to their normal party activities. And still, as the goddess turned back to Ruukoto, the maid was nowhere to be seen. And no one around noticed a thing.

Annoyed, but willing to let it go, she turned back to officially welcome herself to the party. Robot maids will still be here tomorrow, after all.

* * *

The willingness to let things go disappears quickly in the Land of the Backdoor.

The Secret God, called 'The Motherfucker' by some, sat in her chair, in her room, amongst thousands upon thousands of scrolls, books, papers, essays and what have you else that could be used to understand the world around you and its history and workings better. 

Outside this room, two servant-dancers of this honestly-not-so-secret god kept guard. A very nervous-looking guard.

The cause of their nervousness was the — 

"HOW DOES THIS STUPID FUCKING — "

— concerning amount of expletives and shouts coming from Okina's office. 

"This doesn't even make SENSE, the clear consensus in the Outside World right now is that an electronic existence of this magnitude would lead to an apocalypse!"

Mai shifted her stance a bit. The most apocalyptic thing here currently was the amount of books and scrolls that are yet to be shovelled into the goddess's room. A few good metric fuck-tonnes. 

"The computational power shouldn't even — PLAYSTATION THREE?!"

Satono took a quick glance behind her, then at Mai. They both shrugged. That last shout sounded particularly angry.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN PLAYSTATION THREE?!"

The green-dressed dancer danced silently in the direction of the other one. This dance seemed to indicate a question.

"Hey, boo, you think we should intervene?"

The pink-dressed target of this question responded in another silent dance accompanied by a verbal sentence.

"She's been in there for three days. I'm concerned, but interrupting her sounds even worse."

Their debate didn't come to fruition however, for Okina herself slammed the door to her office open.

"WHERE'S THAT GODDAMN SERIAL EXPERIMENTS LAIN ANIME DVD?! I'M DESPERATE."

Shaken by their master's sudden appearance, the two dancers simply dutifully handed her the DVD from the huge pile of 'potential knowledge sources.'

Done with their order, they went back to their posts in silence, assuming a vaguely guard-like position.

Okina lingered for a moment, but soon went back into her office, ready to indulge in whatever eldritch wisdom this disk to be played on a television had.

That is, she would have. But the disk having 'blink twice if you need help' written on it gave her pause.

She stared at it in silence for what must have been minutes. Thoughts ran through her mind. Concepts. Ideas. Considerations. Emotions.

And then she opened the door to her office again, leaning over to Satono. And she blinked twice.

* * *

"Nah, hold on, explain the issue to me again. I'm not getting this, like, at all," Mai exclaimed, with a confused look on her face. More confused than usual.

"What are you  _ not  _ getting, I swear. I'm freaking out because she's this apocalyptic  _ enigma _ that I wasn't even able to sense any mental or life energy in. Not to mention her capabilities, which I'm sure we haven't seen enough of," in turn explained Okina, getting an impromptu therapy session from her dancer-servants. "I swear, what do I even have you two for…"

"No, master, look, what I don't get is — "

"She's a THREAT, Mai! A nuclear and singularity threat! And I have no control over her, and nobody is noticing any issues! She has all this wrapped around her finger! I have never felt such nervousness around a person before!"

Mai sighed. For once she felt not like the dumbest person in the room. "What I mean is that I'm not getting this, because it doesn't make any sense!"

To this, Okina responded with the angriest face, and was about to burst out, but Satono interrupted her.

"No, but, wait, I'm confused now too. How does it not make sense? From what master described, Ruukoto definitely looks like a threat."

Mai orange justice'd exasperatedly. "Master, can you describe the nervousness you felt?"

Okina still kept her angry face. "Of course I can, if that'll entertain you. Let me think… I didn't feel like I was in danger of being outmatched. Rather, she had a disarming sort of two faced quality. She has a clear goal in making everyone believe and trust her, only to turn on all of their backs."

"So you felt disarmed, and that felt like a threat to you?"

"In short, I suppose? What are you implying?" Okina's face softened, but remained on guard.

"Let's ask a different question. Have you ever felt 'disarmed' like that before, master?"

To this, Satono gained a look of pure enlightenment on her face. Okina just became more confused.

"No, I don't think so. That makes her even more of a threat, then."

"Now, be honest, uh, please. Did you feel threatened by this feeling, or by the person in question?"

A dense silence filled the room, as Okina's face turned to genuine and complete confusion. After a few moments, she leaned backwards, and gave her reply.

"I suppose more so the feeling. But isn't that the point of a two-faced snake like that? To not feel threatening?"

Mai was about to continue, but Satono instead took the lead with a floss dance. "I don't believe, master, that your intuition about this person would target the feeling rather than the person in question. This is rather — I think, this is rather, that you are not used to that feeling. And it's bringing you distress to feel it, as you've never felt it before."

The secret god crossed her arms, and leaned back even more. "Now it's my turn to be confused. What  _ do  _ you mean?"

"I'm saying you might, uhm. How do I say this…"

"Out with it. I can take it, whatever it is. Permission given."

"You have a crush on her, master."

Later, for the duration of the entire night, sobs could be heard from Okina's private room.

* * *

Ruukoto paced around the shrine. Cleaning, because cleaning helped her focus. Mainly, if you're cleaning, your executive processes can run at their most efficient, on their designated cleaning-related cores. And if that's happening, you can leave all of your other processive power to thinking. And thinking she was, hard.

Because almost a week ago by now, she had to invent a new self-defense protocol on the spot. Being approached by a certain goddess was completely outside of the realm of any of the algorithms, protocols, heuristics or what have you else she has evolved over time. She knew a certain amount of data, inferred from conversations around her, her general databases of Gensokyo, and interpolations thereof using probability calculations — and it let her deduce that Okina is someone  _ particularly _ dangerous. Even if the danger magnitude she was given by her system was quite an unrecognisable one. But, she was also particularly easy, specifically for the robot maid she is, to counter. 

She decided to disappear from what she would call Okina's magical surveillance grid. Backdoor Intelligence Network? BIN. Sure. But she had to disappear off the BIN. Use Yumemi Okazaki's - who is technically her creator, the company that produced her aside - research about Gensokyo's magic, and use your internal anti-magic defense systems - also from Yumemi - with certain modifications to erase your presence theurgically. 

The main problem of this wasn't the existence of a new self-defense protocol. She was entirely in her power to add such ones at any time it seemed necessary. The main issue is that she felt  _ bad  _ about it. 

Now, feeling  _ bad  _ about things was a completely new and alien thing to her. She couldn't explain it — after all, her programming didn't come with emotions. They just sort of… arrived, through learning. But this entire time awake here, she just felt happy. Then Okina came around. And she felt scared - natural reaction to a potential threat, obviously. But once she dealt with the threat she felt, again - bad. Like dealing with it was actually not the right solution - not logically, but rather on an emotional or moral level. Which was, again, confusing. Because the emotional/moral level isn't something she actually understands, was meant to have, or even has a clear logical throughput in her circuits.

And that's freaky! And scary!

So she cleaned the entire shrine, over and over, for the past week. By now, she had actually even gotten quite good at it. And everything was spotless.

And for the past week, every person that came by the shrine, asked Reimu the exact same question: 'What the hell is up with her?'

So, after a week of deliberating, the shrine maiden decided to confront Ruukoto. Even if she was kind of terrified of it, because she had no idea how to really deal with her.

"Hey, uh… Ruukoto?" she approached her carefully.

"HUH?! HUH?!" Ruukoto scrambled backwards. "SELF-... PROTOCOL. UH."

"A-Are you okay?! What's happening?"

"Protocol, protocol… Okay, I'm fine. Sorry. This is the first time in a week someone has actually talked to me, eheh. Uhm. How can I help you, Miss Reimu?"

Reimu blinked a few times. She wasn't expecting this at all, but now that she committed to it, she has to push through. Probably. "I think it's rather me that should be asking you that question. You've been cleaning every day and night for this past week, are you okay? Do you need, uh… maintenance? Or something?"

Ruukoto turned away, seemingly embarrassed. "No, Miss Reimu, I do my own maintenance. No need for such propositions." She tried doing a few more swipes with the broom, but she was feeling a lot less drive for it now. "I'm… I've run multiple diagnostics, and I can say with near-full certainty that I am not okay."

Reimu closed her eyes. She really wasn't good at this, but, again, committed. "Is there anything you need or want about that, then? Help? Conversation? A party?"

"I think…" Ruukoto closed her eyes, to let herself process the question faster. "I think you might have answers to some questions I have, if that's acceptable, Miss Reimu?"

"Oh, uh, yeah? Fire away, I'll answer."

"If you felt threatened by someone, and in response acted in self-defense, what would you do if acting that way made you feel like you did something bad, that could be considered morally wrong, or incompatible with your emotional state?"

That's a dense sentence. Reimu too had to process it for a few moments with closed eyes.

"If I'm understanding correctly… I think that would imply you personally don't want to actually defend yourself? Which would tell me, the threat is actually an acceptable threat I'm willing to be threatened by." If that somehow makes sense, she finished in her head.

"So the threat is… how can a threat be acceptable?" Ruukoto looked at her conversation partner in extreme confusion.

"Uh. Let's say if you were approached by… Yukari. Now, naturally, that activates all of my fight or flight responses. But by now I've learned to do neither, as the threat comes from someone who I can trust, most of the time, to not actually  _ follow up _ on the threat, or use the threat to my genuine detriment."

"I… think I understand what you're trying to say, Miss Reimu. If I may ask for some time to myself again, now?"

Reimu nodded a few times at her, and gave her a dismissive hand wave. She went back to her usual sitting position on the shrine's edge, feeling quite proud of herself for getting her thoughts through to Ruukoto.

Meanwhile, the robot evaluated. From what she understood… Essentially, threat != action, and action != consequence. The intent, the means, and the ends aren't the same, which makes sense, but remained inconclusive in her protocols for so long, because Yumemi refused to provide any proper philosophical analysis engines to her robot maid. Rude, honestly.

Then, if she felt threatened by Okina, that means that either Okina didn't mean to follow up on the threat with an action, or the action she'd have followed up with wasn't going to be one of negative consequences. The first hypothesis had… a low probability, according to a few quick calculations and a bit of intuition - yet another logically incomprehensible thing she found in her emotional algorithms.

She went back to sweeping. It really did help her relax, cleaning. The second hypothesis meant that… whatever action Okina were to take after the threat would be not actually negative. Either neutral or positive. A neutral outcome seems to have a low probability too, considering the 'extra-ness' of the situation in question. A positive outcome… there was a possibility. The conversation had ended on a note that can be called 'flirtatious', which…

No. No way. No way. I mean, her? 

Ruukoto's processes began running at overclock. She sweeped the floor with vigor. Her? Okina? Flirting? A potential positive outcome? Her emotional processes started evolving. This could only have meant one thing.

Ruukoto may have wanted Okina to be flirting with her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is a pairing that has been on my mind for like... a month and I'm not letting it go ever. Trust me, it works. 
> 
> I'll probably write a chapter two in the few coming months! No promises though, because imagine not having some kind of executive dysfunction really.
> 
> What did you think?


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